Hitler goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the German diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100." The German diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return and tell him they want Hitler shipped home. The undertaker is pu...
Dave was always boasting in the pub. One night he bragged to the crowd of drinkers that he knew everyone in the world. Sid the barman had had enough, so challenged Dave to prove it. "Ok," said Dave. "£100 says I'm right then." Sid took him up on the bet and booked flights to Hollywood. There they made their way to the home of Brad Pitt. "Well hello there Dave buddy," said Brad Pitt. Sid was taken aback at this, but s...
The MI6, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rab...
A young bloke with his pants hanging halfway down, two gold front teeth, and a thick gold chain around his neck walks into Centrelink to sign some paperwork. Man: “Hi. You know, I really hate being on the dole. I’d rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter looks up and smiles. Social Worker: “Your timing is excellent. We’ve jus...
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he notices a beautiful bronze statue of a Siamese cat. Man: “How much do you want for that statue?” Shop Owner: “It’s $200 for the statue and $2,000 for the story that goes with it.” Man: “I don’t care about the story. I’ll just take the statue.” As the man pays, the shop owner smiles. Shop Owner: “All right, but I guarantee you’ll be back for the...
For a couple of years, I blamed being tired on poor iron levels, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other health problems. Now I finally know the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 349,035,494. About 125,000,000 are retired. That leaves 224,035,494 to do the work. There are roughly 90,000,000 people in school, which leaves 134,035,494 to do the work. Of those, about 3...
Tom and Jack, two government maintenance workers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Tom, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts, laid the pole down, took a tape measure, and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” then walked...