Kelly and Patrick went for a motorcycle ride on a brisk autumn day. After a while, Kelly, who was sitting behind Patrick, began shouting, “Patrick… the wind is cuttin’ me chest out!” “Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That’ll block the wind.” Kelly followed the advice, turned his jacket around, climbed back on, and off they went again. After some ti...
A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at him and said, “Sorry, you’re not what we’re looking for.” “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man. The lumberjack shrugged and said...
Two fishermen were out on a lake when one of them accidentally dropped his wallet overboard. Before the man could grab it, a carp came along and batted the wallet up into the air. Before it hit the water, another carp a few feet away jumped out and smacked the wallet toward a third carp. The fish kept batting the wallet back and forth, turning it into a game. The second fisherman stared for a moment, then turned to h...
Three couples die at the same time and line up at the pearly gates. The first couple approaches Saint Peter. Saint Peter: “What is your name?” Man: “John Smith.” Saint Peter: “John Smith… the man who loved money so much he refused to marry until he found a woman named Penny? You are banished to Hell!” The first couple leaves, completely dejected. The second couple steps forward. Saint Peter: “And your name?” Man: “Mi...
Tillie and Millie, two old girlfriends, met for lunch. Tillie: “I married a wealthy clothing manufacturer, and he bought me a yacht for my birthday.” Millie: “Astounding!” Tillie: “I have charge accounts in all the department stores.” Millie: “Astounding!” Tillie: “I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds, and my husband bought me a twenty-five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary.” Millie: “Astounding!”...
The National Poetry Contest came down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a single word and two minutes to study it and write a poem. The word was Timbuktu. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said: “Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination — Timbuktu.” The crowd went wil...
A blonde is driving her Mini down the highway when she notices another blonde in a boat out in the middle of a cornfield. The blonde in the boat is rowing like she’s on open water. The blonde in the car gets frustrated, pulls over, and steps out to confront her. “HEY YOU IN THE BOAT! I’M TALKING TO YOU!” The blonde in the boat turns, waves, and continues rowing. “IT’S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US A BAD NAME, AND I’D...
Tom and Jack, two government maintenance workers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Tom, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts, laid the pole down, took a tape measure, and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” then walked...
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to...
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other appl...