Mr. Jones drove his secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at the New Year’s office party. She was very drunk. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who was extremely jealous and suspicious. Later that night, Mr. Jones and his wife were driving together when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat. While his wife wasn’t looking, he quickly picked up t...
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, a helicopter suddenly lost power and went down. Fortunately, it made a safe landing in a lake. As everyone struggled to get out, one man ripped off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and yanked open the exit door. The pilot shouted, “Don’t jump! This thing is supposed to float!” As the man leapt into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah—and it’s supposed...
A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at him and said, “Sorry, you’re not what we’re looking for.” “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man. The lumberjack shrugged and said...
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she needed a thick stack of tax forms. The clerk asked, “Why so many?” “My son is stationed overseas,” she replied. “He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.” The clerk said, “You shouldn’t have to do this. It’s the base commander’s job to make sure his troops have access to the forms they need.” The woman smiled and...
I had been doing tech support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when a customer called with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She told me she could not print yellow. All the other colors printed just fine, which completely baffled me, because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For example, green is made from cyan and yellow—yet green printed perfectly. Every color of the rainbow...
Moishe the carpenter was returning home with his week’s wages when he was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street. “Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: shoot a bullet through my hat, otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.” The robber obliged. He tossed Moishe’s hat into the air and fired a bullet straight through it. “Let’s make it look like I ran into a gang of robbers,” Moishe continue...
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to look at his car. The mechanic shouted to the waiting cardiologist, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?” A bit surprised, the cardiologist walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on...
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name." "It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. "Hey mister, the monkey… what does it know to be worth that much money?" "Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games." "Good monkey, it’s worth the money." He...
A young bloke with his pants hanging halfway down, two gold front teeth, and a thick gold chain around his neck walks into Centrelink to sign some paperwork. Man: “Hi. You know, I really hate being on the dole. I’d rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter looks up and smiles. Social Worker: “Your timing is excellent. We’ve jus...
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket. They notice the three engineers buying only one ticket. Accountant: “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” Engineer: “Watch and you’ll see.” On the train, the accountants take their seats. The engineers cram into a restroom and close the door. When the conductor co...
For a couple of years, I blamed being tired on poor iron levels, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other health problems. Now I finally know the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 349,035,494. About 125,000,000 are retired. That leaves 224,035,494 to do the work. There are roughly 90,000,000 people in school, which leaves 134,035,494 to do the work. Of those, about 3...