Bob and Ralph went hiking through the woods one morning. While taking a break, Bob stepped behind a tree to relieve himself. Unfortunately, he startled a rattlesnake, which bit him squarely on the penis. Bob screamed in pain, and Ralph came running. “Oh my God!” Bob yelled. “You’ve got to call 911!” Ralph pulled out his phone and called for help. “I’ve got an emergency!” he said. “My friend was just bitten by a rattl...

A woman wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy any. Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms growing wild down by the stream?” “No,” she replied, “some wild mushrooms are poisonous.” “Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re fine,” he said. So she picked a bunch, washed them, sliced them, and sautéed them for dinner. Then she we...

One night, a stupid man looked into his well and saw the reflection of the full moon. “Oh no!” he exclaimed. “The moon has fallen from the sky and into my well!” He ran into his house and came back with a hook tied to a rope. He threw the hook into the well and began pulling it up, but it got stuck on the side. Panicking, the man tugged and pulled with all his strength. Suddenly, the hook came loose, and the man fell...

Kelly and Patrick went for a motorcycle ride on a brisk autumn day. After a while, Kelly, who was sitting behind Patrick, began shouting, “Patrick… the wind is cuttin’ me chest out!” “Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That’ll block the wind.” Kelly followed the advice, turned his jacket around, climbed back on, and off they went again. After some ti...

A pastor, who could politely be described as “humor impaired,” attended a conference designed to encourage and better equip pastors for ministry. Among the speakers was a well-known, dynamic preacher. He boldly stepped up to the pulpit, grabbed the crowd’s attention, and said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!” The crowd gasped. Then he continued, “And that woman was my...

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, drinking. One turned to the other and said, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds are so strong they’ll carry you around the building and right back in through a window.” The bartender overheard this and just shook his head while wiping down the bar. The...

While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, a helicopter suddenly lost power and went down. Fortunately, it made a safe landing in a lake. As everyone struggled to get out, one man ripped off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and yanked open the exit door. The pilot shouted, “Don’t jump! This thing is supposed to float!” As the man leapt into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah—and it’s supposed...

A guy saw a sign in front of a house that read, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rang the bell, and the owner said the dog was in the backyard. The guy went back and saw a black mutt sitting there. “You talk?” he asked. “Yep,” the dog replied. “So what’s your story?” The dog looked up and said, “Well, I discovered my gift at a young age and wanted to help the government. I told the CIA, and soon I was flying all over the w...

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door, opens it, and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door. It’s the same man, and he asks the same question, “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happ...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name." "It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...

A man tells his doctor that he isn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is complete, he says, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replies, "you're just lazy." "Okay," says the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

The MI6, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rab...