Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, drinking. One turned to the other and said, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds are so strong they’ll carry you around the building and right back in through a window.” The bartender overheard this and just shook his head while wiping down the bar. The...
A man walked in through the front door of a bar. He was obviously drunk. He staggered up to the bar, sat on a stool, let out a belch, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely said, “It looks like you’ve already had plenty. I can’t serve you any more, but I can call you a cab.” The drunk looked surprised, then scoffed, grumbled, climbed off the stool, and staggered out the front door. A few minutes...
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and noticed a man with his feet propped up on a table. He was wearing the biggest boots she had ever seen. She asked him, “Is it true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed?” The man grinned and replied, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?” The old woman thought about it. Figuring she might never get an offer like...
A drunk was floundering down an alley carrying a box with holes in the sides. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?” “A mongoose,” the drunk replied. “What for?” “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk, I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose—for protection.” The friend shook his head and said, “You idiot! Those snakes are imaginary.”...
Two elderly builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two begin to speculate about what the man does for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant,” said the first builder. “Looks more like a stockbroker to me,” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first build...
Dave was always boasting in the pub. One night he bragged to the crowd of drinkers that he knew everyone in the world. Sid the barman had had enough, so challenged Dave to prove it. "Ok," said Dave. "£100 says I'm right then." Sid took him up on the bet and booked flights to Hollywood. There they made their way to the home of Brad Pitt. "Well hello there Dave buddy," said Brad Pitt. Sid was taken aback at this, but s...
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." The bartender asked, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon-ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What...
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Man: “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender thinks for a moment and agrees. The man pulls a tiny rat from one pocket and a tiny piano from another. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues. After finishing his drink, the man asks again: Man: “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free d...
A preacher is finishing a fiery sermon about the dangers of alcohol. With great emotion, he raises his voice. Preacher: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” With even more emphasis, he continues. Preacher: “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” Finally, pounding the pulpit, he declares: Preacher: “And if I had all the whiskey in the...
Three drunk guys decide to visit a joy house. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to put blow-up dolls in the rooms and turn off the lights. The guys are so drunk they won’t know the difference. Thirty minutes later, the guys stumble back out onto the street. First drunk: “My girl was passed out. She never made a peep.” Second drunk: “Mine was dead. She never moved a muscle!” The third drunk leans in and w...
Two drunks are walking along the street late at night. First Drunk: “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!” The second drunk stops and looks at his friend. Second Drunk: “You are wrong. That’s not the moon — that’s the sun!” They continue arguing for a while until they spot another drunk walking toward them. First Drunk: “Sir, could you help settle our argument?” Second Drunk: “Tell us what that thing is up in t...