Mr. Jones drove his secretary home after she had had a little too much to drink at the New Year’s office party. She was very drunk. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who was extremely jealous and suspicious. Later that night, Mr. Jones and his wife were driving together when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat. While his wife wasn’t looking, he quickly picked up t...
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” the doctor said. “Go home and show her who’s the boss.” The husband decided to take the advice. He went home, slammed the door, looked at his wife and growled, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now. After you set the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.” “Tonight I’m...
Matty was almost 29 years old. All of his friends were already married, but Matty kept dating and dating. Finally, one of his friends asked, “What’s the matter? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?” “No,” Matty replied. “I meet lots of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep looking.” The friend thought for a moment...
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. She replied, “Oh no—what would I tell my Sunday school class?” Later, he offered her a cigarette. Again she said, “Oh no—what would I tell my Sunday school class?” On the drive home, he passed a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked, “Want to stop in there?” “Okay,” she replied. Shocked, he asked, “What will you tell your Sun...
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and suddenly found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo,” said Peter. “Over there are the tennis courts, the swimming pool, and two golf courses.” “If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” After Saint Peter walked off, the old man leaned toward his wife and hissed, “Heck,...
John and his girlfriend Mary decided to become bank robbers. Mary did the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks, while John waited outside as the getaway driver. They were successful at first, pulling off a string of heists that made headlines and turned them into folk heroes. Eventually, their luck ran out and they were caught. At trial, the judge sentenced Mary to ten years in prison, while John received only...
A couple rushed into the hospital because the wife was going into labor. As they hurried down the hall, a doctor stopped them and said, “I’ve invented a machine that can split the pain of childbirth between the mother and the father.” They agreed and were taken into a room where they were hooked up to the machine. The doctor started it at 20% transferred to the father. The wife said, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The...
THE CONFESSION “Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I’m telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that’s...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started…
Two happily married 60 year olds were on holiday when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a genie came out. The genie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for. He said to the genie, "I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me....
An old man visits the college he attended in his youth. He knocks on the door of room number three in the hostel. Old Man: “May I come in? I lived in this very room forty years ago when I studied here.” A young man opens the door and lets him inside. The old man looks around, smiling with nostalgia. Old Man: “The same old room, the same wooden table, the same ventilator, the same window facing the garden, and even th...
A few minutes before church services begin, the congregation is sitting in their pews, quietly talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone screams and runs for the exits, trampling each other in panic. Soon, the church is completely empty—except for one elderly man sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man. Satan: “Do you know who I am?” Old Man: “Yep, sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t...