Bob and Ralph went hiking through the woods one morning. While taking a break, Bob stepped behind a tree to relieve himself. Unfortunately, he startled a rattlesnake, which bit him squarely on the penis. Bob screamed in pain, and Ralph came running. “Oh my God!” Bob yelled. “You’ve got to call 911!” Ralph pulled out his phone and called for help. “I’ve got an emergency!” he said. “My friend was just bitten by a rattl...
A woman wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy any. Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms growing wild down by the stream?” “No,” she replied, “some wild mushrooms are poisonous.” “Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re fine,” he said. So she picked a bunch, washed them, sliced them, and sautéed them for dinner. Then she we...
A guy saw a sign in front of a house that read, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rang the bell, and the owner said the dog was in the backyard. The guy went back and saw a black mutt sitting there. “You talk?” he asked. “Yep,” the dog replied. “So what’s your story?” The dog looked up and said, “Well, I discovered my gift at a young age and wanted to help the government. I told the CIA, and soon I was flying all over the w...
A traveling salesman went to a farmhouse. The farmer said, “I can put you up for one night, but you’ll have to stay in the barn.” So the salesman spent the night there. The next morning the farmer came in and asked, “Were you comfortable?” The salesman replied, “I had a great time. I talked to all the animals.” The farmer frowned. “You talked to the animals?” “Yep,” said the salesman. “I spoke to the chickens. They s...
A circus owner ran an ad looking for a new lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a handsome young man in his mid-twenties. The other was a stunning blonde about the same age. The circus owner said, “I won’t sugarcoat it. This lion is ferocious. He ate my last tamer, so you’d better be good. Here’s your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try first?” The young woman said, “I’ll go first.”...
This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and watched as bulls were being auctioned off. The auctioneer announced the first bull, “A fine specimen—this bull reproduced 57 times last year.” The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That’s more than once a week!” Then the second bull was introduced: “Another fine specimen—this one reproduced 120 times last year.” A...
A drunk was floundering down an alley carrying a box with holes in the sides. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?” “A mongoose,” the drunk replied. “What for?” “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk, I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose—for protection.” The friend shook his head and said, “You idiot! Those snakes are imaginary.”...
A mother camel and her baby were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?” The mother replied, “Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes help us stay on top of the soft sand.” A few minutes later, the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?” “They keep the sand out of our eyes during trips through the desert,” the mother said. Then the...
Two fishermen were out on a lake when one of them accidentally dropped his wallet overboard. Before the man could grab it, a carp came along and batted the wallet up into the air. Before it hit the water, another carp a few feet away jumped out and smacked the wallet toward a third carp. The fish kept batting the wallet back and forth, turning it into a game. The second fisherman stared for a moment, then turned to h...
A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When he checked his rear-view mirror, he noticed a small object, followed by a trail of dust, closing fast. Curious, he slowed down to get a better look. As the object came into view, it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched in amazement, the bird whizzed past him. He checked his speed. “Thirty-five miles...
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first hunter said, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.” The second hunter said, “I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter said, “Hey,...
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on hi...