A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess... Or...

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion." Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On...

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Man: “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender thinks for a moment and agrees. The man pulls a tiny rat from one pocket and a tiny piano from another. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues. After finishing his drink, the man asks again: Man: “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free d...

A woman is walking down the street to work when she notices a parrot sitting on a perch outside a pet store. Parrot: “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Furious, the woman storms past and goes to work. On her way home, she passes the same store again. Parrot: “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Now completely outraged, the next day she walks by once more. Parrot: “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The woman storms into the s...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he notices a beautiful bronze statue of a Siamese cat. Man: “How much do you want for that statue?” Shop Owner: “It’s $200 for the statue and $2,000 for the story that goes with it.” Man: “I don’t care about the story. I’ll just take the statue.” As the man pays, the shop owner smiles. Shop Owner: “All right, but I guarantee you’ll be back for the...

Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting. After landing, the pilot says, “Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.” The hunters return with two bears. “I told you ONE bear!” the pilot says. The hunters explain that the previous year, for an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had allowed them to take two bears. After a long argument about infl...

A man enters the emergency room with two black eyes, multiple lacerations, and a seven iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor pulls him into one of the examining rooms and says, "What the hell happened to you, my friend?" "Well, doc," the man replies, "It's like this. My wife and I were out on the golf course off the eighth tee when we both wind up slicing into a cow pasture next to the course. So we both head into...