A child asked his father, “How were people born?” The father replied, “Adam and Eve made babies. Then their babies grew up and made babies, and so on.” Later, the child went to his mother and asked her the same question. She answered, “We were monkeys, and over time we evolved to become the people we are today.” The child ran back to his father and said angrily, “You lied to me!” The father calmly replied, “No, son....
A pastor, who could politely be described as “humor impaired,” attended a conference designed to encourage and better equip pastors for ministry. Among the speakers was a well-known, dynamic preacher. He boldly stepped up to the pulpit, grabbed the crowd’s attention, and said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!” The crowd gasped. Then he continued, “And that woman was my...
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. She replied, “Oh no—what would I tell my Sunday school class?” Later, he offered her a cigarette. Again she said, “Oh no—what would I tell my Sunday school class?” On the drive home, he passed a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked, “Want to stop in there?” “Okay,” she replied. Shocked, he asked, “What will you tell your Sun...
The richest man in the world decided he wanted to be blessed by the Pope at the Vatican. So he traveled to Rome, put on his finest suit, and went to the Vatican to watch the morning papal procession. The Pope moved through the crowd, and the man was close enough to reach out his hand. But the Pope walked right past him and stopped in front of a dirty, ragged beggar a few feet away. The Pope took the beggar’s hand, le...
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday, the preacher decided to do something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When they sat down,...
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on hi...
Several centuries ago, the Pope decides that all the Jews have to leave Rome. Naturally there is a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope makes a deal. He'll have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew wins, the Jews can stay. If the Pope wins, the Jews leave the city. The Jewish community meets and picks an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, ho...
A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amo...
Three ministers are discussing how they handle the church collection. First Minister: “I draw a circle on the floor and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle goes to the church; whatever lands outside goes to me.” Second Minister: “That’s close to my system. I draw a line on the floor and toss the money in the air. Everything on one side goes to the church; everything on the other side goes to m...
A preacher is finishing a fiery sermon about the dangers of alcohol. With great emotion, he raises his voice. Preacher: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” With even more emphasis, he continues. Preacher: “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” Finally, pounding the pulpit, he declares: Preacher: “And if I had all the whiskey in the...
A few minutes before church services begin, the congregation is sitting in their pews, quietly talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone screams and runs for the exits, trampling each other in panic. Soon, the church is completely empty—except for one elderly man sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man. Satan: “Do you know who I am?” Old Man: “Yep, sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t...
A newly ordained priest, fresh out of seminary, is nervous about his first day hearing confessions. He asks an older priest to sit in and observe. After a few confessions, the senior priest asks him to step outside for some advice. Senior Priest: “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The young priest tries it. Senior Priest: “Now try saying things like, ‘I see… yes, go on,’ and ‘I underst...