Kelly and Patrick went for a motorcycle ride on a brisk autumn day. After a while, Kelly, who was sitting behind Patrick, began shouting, “Patrick… the wind is cuttin’ me chest out!” “Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That’ll block the wind.” Kelly followed the advice, turned his jacket around, climbed back on, and off they went again. After some ti...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for many years. At the back of the farm was a large pond, perfectly shaped for swimming. He had fixed the area up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and apple and peach trees. One evening, the old farmer decided to walk down to the pond to check on things, since he hadn’t been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to collect some fruit on the wa...
A traveling salesman went to a farmhouse. The farmer said, “I can put you up for one night, but you’ll have to stay in the barn.” So the salesman spent the night there. The next morning the farmer came in and asked, “Were you comfortable?” The salesman replied, “I had a great time. I talked to all the animals.” The farmer frowned. “You talked to the animals?” “Yep,” said the salesman. “I spoke to the chickens. They s...
This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and watched as bulls were being auctioned off. The auctioneer announced the first bull, “A fine specimen—this bull reproduced 57 times last year.” The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That’s more than once a week!” Then the second bull was introduced: “Another fine specimen—this one reproduced 120 times last year.” A...
The census taker was driving out in the boondocks of Arkansas on assignment when he pulled up in front of a small farm. He approached an old farmer rocking in his chair on the porch. The farmer squinted at him and asked, “What are ye sellin’, sonny?” The census taker replied, “I’m not selling anything. I’m here to ask you some questions for the census.” “The what?” the farmer asked. “The census. We’re trying to find...
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first hunter said, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.” The second hunter said, “I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter said, “Hey,...
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.” There was a lon...
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife be...
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't...