There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty, so she went to a genie to ask for help. The genie said, “To make you feel pretty, I’ll grant you this wish: every time someone apologizes to you, your boobs will increase by one size.” The girl walked down the street. Someone bumped into her and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Instantly, her boobs grew one size bigger. A little later, someone accidentally stepped on her fo...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for many years. At the back of the farm was a large pond, perfectly shaped for swimming. He had fixed the area up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and apple and peach trees. One evening, the old farmer decided to walk down to the pond to check on things, since he hadn’t been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to collect some fruit on the wa...
A circus owner ran an ad looking for a new lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a handsome young man in his mid-twenties. The other was a stunning blonde about the same age. The circus owner said, “I won’t sugarcoat it. This lion is ferocious. He ate my last tamer, so you’d better be good. Here’s your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try first?” The young woman said, “I’ll go first.”...
A woman walked into the city Centrelink office, trailed by fifteen children. The social worker exclaimed, “WOW! Are they all yours?” “Yeah, they’re all mine,” the exhausted mother sighed, having heard that question far too many times. She called out, “Sit down, Terry!” All fifteen children rushed to find seats. The social worker blinked and said, “Well then, I’ll need all of your children’s names.” “This one’s my old...
A young man went into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist said, “They come in packs of 3, 9, or 12. Which would you like?” The young man replied, “Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I think tonight is the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then going out, and I’ve got a feeling I’m going to get lucky. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so I’d better take...
This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and watched as bulls were being auctioned off. The auctioneer announced the first bull, “A fine specimen—this bull reproduced 57 times last year.” The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That’s more than once a week!” Then the second bull was introduced: “Another fine specimen—this one reproduced 120 times last year.” A...
A couple rushed into the hospital because the wife was going into labor. As they hurried down the hall, a doctor stopped them and said, “I’ve invented a machine that can split the pain of childbirth between the mother and the father.” They agreed and were taken into a room where they were hooked up to the machine. The doctor started it at 20% transferred to the father. The wife said, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The...
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. Her 9-year-old son came home unexpectedly, saw them, and hid in the bedroom closet to watch. Soon after, the woman’s husband also came home. She quickly shoved her lover into the closet, not realizing the little boy was already inside. The boy whispered, “Dark in here.” The man replied, “Yes, it is.” The boy said, “I have a baseball.” “That’s...
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and noticed a man with his feet propped up on a table. He was wearing the biggest boots she had ever seen. She asked him, “Is it true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed?” The man grinned and replied, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?” The old woman thought about it. Figuring she might never get an offer like...
The husband comes home worried because he has a scratch on his chest, clearly caused by a fingernail from his mistress. He opens the door, sees the cat asleep on the couch, and gives it a tremendous kick. The cat lets out a loud “MEOW!” and runs out the door. A little later, the wife comes into the living room and asks what happened. The husband angrily replies, “This cat is crazy! I was just walking in and, out of n...
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon an old gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the old gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The old man replied, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes...
Two elderly builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two begin to speculate about what the man does for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant,” said the first builder. “Looks more like a stockbroker to me,” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first build...