One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, ”God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa.” The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, ”Why did you say the last part?” The daughter replies, ”Because I needed to.” The next day, grandpa dies. The fathe...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door, opens it, and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door. It’s the same man, and he asks the same question, “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happ...
A few minutes before church services begin, the congregation is sitting in their pews, quietly talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone screams and runs for the exits, trampling each other in panic. Soon, the church is completely empty—except for one elderly man sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man. Satan: “Do you know who I am?” Old Man: “Yep, sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t...
Henry goes to confession and speaks softly from behind the screen. Henry: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.” The priest thinks for a moment, then gives his instruction. Priest: “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice without pausing.” Henry: “Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?” Priest: “No… but it’ll wipe that silly grin off your face.”
A young bloke with his pants hanging halfway down, two gold front teeth, and a thick gold chain around his neck walks into Centrelink to sign some paperwork. Man: “Hi. You know, I really hate being on the dole. I’d rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter looks up and smiles. Social Worker: “Your timing is excellent. We’ve jus...
He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known each other for many years, having been high school classmates and attending every class reunion. At their 60th class reunion, they shared a table with two other singles. The evening was wonderful, with the widower casting admiring glances and the widow smiling coyly back. During one slow dance, he finally gathered the courage to ask: Widower: “Will you marry me?” A...
Three couples die at the same time and line up at the pearly gates. The first couple approaches Saint Peter. Saint Peter: “What is your name?” Man: “John Smith.” Saint Peter: “John Smith… the man who loved money so much he refused to marry until he found a woman named Penny? You are banished to Hell!” The first couple leaves, completely dejected. The second couple steps forward. Saint Peter: “And your name?” Man: “Mi...
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. Reporter: “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to a long life.” The three old men agreed, and the reporter asked the first man his secret. First Man: “I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco, and I’ve been married to the same woman for fifty years.” Reporter: “That’s really remarkable! And how ol...
Tillie and Millie, two old girlfriends, met for lunch. Tillie: “I married a wealthy clothing manufacturer, and he bought me a yacht for my birthday.” Millie: “Astounding!” Tillie: “I have charge accounts in all the department stores.” Millie: “Astounding!” Tillie: “I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds, and my husband bought me a twenty-five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary.” Millie: “Astounding!”...
The National Poetry Contest came down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a single word and two minutes to study it and write a poem. The word was Timbuktu. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said: “Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination — Timbuktu.” The crowd went wil...
A guy runs into a childhood friend and asks what he’s doing these days. Guy: “What are you doing for yourself these days?” Friend: “I’m a fireman.” Guy: “Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.” The friend nods like a professional and offers advice. Friend: “If you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house that goes down to the basement. The hardest thing for a fireman is jumping off i...
Two law partners, Ed and Joe, are driving through the country one evening during a vacation when their car breaks down near a farmhouse. They knock on the door, and an attractive lady dressed in black opens it. “Can I help you?” she asks. Ed says, “Our car broke down, it’s getting late, and we were wondering if you could put us up for the night?” The lady shakes her head. “I don’t think so. I’m recently a widow, and...