A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. "Hey mister, the monkey… what does it know to be worth that much money?" "Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games." "Good monkey, it’s worth the money." He...
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife be...
A big-city lawyer is representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull has gone missing from the section through which the railroad passes. The rancher claims that the bull must have been hit by the train and wants to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case is scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher...
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." The bartender asked, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon-ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What...
A blonde walks into a police station looking for a job. An officer decides to test her with a few questions. Officer: “What’s two plus two?” Blonde: “Ummm… four!” Officer: “What’s the square root of one hundred?” Blonde: “Ummm… ten!” Officer: “Good. Now tell me… who killed Abraham Lincoln?” Blonde: “Ummm… I don’t know.” Officer: “Go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.” The blonde goes home and excitedly call...
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Man: “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender thinks for a moment and agrees. The man pulls a tiny rat from one pocket and a tiny piano from another. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues. After finishing his drink, the man asks again: Man: “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free d...
Three ministers are discussing how they handle the church collection. First Minister: “I draw a circle on the floor and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle goes to the church; whatever lands outside goes to me.” Second Minister: “That’s close to my system. I draw a line on the floor and toss the money in the air. Everything on one side goes to the church; everything on the other side goes to m...
A preacher is finishing a fiery sermon about the dangers of alcohol. With great emotion, he raises his voice. Preacher: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” With even more emphasis, he continues. Preacher: “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” Finally, pounding the pulpit, he declares: Preacher: “And if I had all the whiskey in the...
After giving up three runs in the top of the first inning, the manager runs out of the dugout to talk to his rookie pitcher. Manager: “Son, I think I’ve figured out what your problem is. You lose control at the exact same point in every game.” Rookie: “When’s that, coach?” Manager: “Right after the National Anthem.”
An old man visits the college he attended in his youth. He knocks on the door of room number three in the hostel. Old Man: “May I come in? I lived in this very room forty years ago when I studied here.” A young man opens the door and lets him inside. The old man looks around, smiling with nostalgia. Old Man: “The same old room, the same wooden table, the same ventilator, the same window facing the garden, and even th...
A few minutes before church services begin, the congregation is sitting in their pews, quietly talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone screams and runs for the exits, trampling each other in panic. Soon, the church is completely empty—except for one elderly man sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man. Satan: “Do you know who I am?” Old Man: “Yep, sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t...
A newly ordained priest, fresh out of seminary, is nervous about his first day hearing confessions. He asks an older priest to sit in and observe. After a few confessions, the senior priest asks him to step outside for some advice. Senior Priest: “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The young priest tries it. Senior Priest: “Now try saying things like, ‘I see… yes, go on,’ and ‘I underst...