Henry goes to confession and speaks softly from behind the screen. Henry: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.” The priest thinks for a moment, then gives his instruction. Priest: “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice without pausing.” Henry: “Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?” Priest: “No… but it’ll wipe that silly grin off your face.”
A young bloke with his pants hanging halfway down, two gold front teeth, and a thick gold chain around his neck walks into Centrelink to sign some paperwork. Man: “Hi. You know, I really hate being on the dole. I’d rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.” The social worker behind the counter looks up and smiles. Social Worker: “Your timing is excellent. We’ve jus...
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he notices a beautiful bronze statue of a Siamese cat. Man: “How much do you want for that statue?” Shop Owner: “It’s $200 for the statue and $2,000 for the story that goes with it.” Man: “I don’t care about the story. I’ll just take the statue.” As the man pays, the shop owner smiles. Shop Owner: “All right, but I guarantee you’ll be back for the...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the wilderness. After setting up their tent, both fall fast asleep. Several hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger. Tonto: “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?” Lone Ranger: “I see millions of stars.” Tonto: “What that tell you?” Lone Ranger: “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. Time-wis...
One Sunday morning, the vicar notices little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, staring at a large plaque on the wall. After watching the seven-year-old for a moment, the vicar walks over and speaks softly. Vicar: “Good morning, son.” Little Johnny: “Good morning, vicar. Can I ask you something, sir? What is this for? Why are all these names listed here?” Vicar: “Well, son, these are the names of people who...
He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known each other for many years, having been high school classmates and attending every class reunion. At their 60th class reunion, they shared a table with two other singles. The evening was wonderful, with the widower casting admiring glances and the widow smiling coyly back. During one slow dance, he finally gathered the courage to ask: Widower: “Will you marry me?” A...
A blonde has failed the written driving test four times. On her fifth attempt, she is determined to pass. Once again, the test includes the same question: “You are driving at 100 mph. On your right is a wall. On your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an older man and a young man. What will you hit?” Frustrated, the blonde walks up to the examiner. Blonde: “I’ve answered this question all four ways — the wall, the...
Two blonde sisters, Abby and Amy, go fishing and decide to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at different spots and catching nothing, they decide to try one last time before giving up. Suddenly, the fish start biting, and they catch their limit in less than twenty minutes. Amy: “Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we’ll know where to fish.” Abby: “Good idea.” Abby pulls out a can of spray paint an...
Three couples die at the same time and line up at the pearly gates. The first couple approaches Saint Peter. Saint Peter: “What is your name?” Man: “John Smith.” Saint Peter: “John Smith… the man who loved money so much he refused to marry until he found a woman named Penny? You are banished to Hell!” The first couple leaves, completely dejected. The second couple steps forward. Saint Peter: “And your name?” Man: “Mi...
Three drunk guys decide to visit a joy house. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to put blow-up dolls in the rooms and turn off the lights. The guys are so drunk they won’t know the difference. Thirty minutes later, the guys stumble back out onto the street. First drunk: “My girl was passed out. She never made a peep.” Second drunk: “Mine was dead. She never moved a muscle!” The third drunk leans in and w...
Two drunks are walking along the street late at night. First Drunk: “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!” The second drunk stops and looks at his friend. Second Drunk: “You are wrong. That’s not the moon — that’s the sun!” They continue arguing for a while until they spot another drunk walking toward them. First Drunk: “Sir, could you help settle our argument?” Second Drunk: “Tell us what that thing is up in t...
A guy rolls through a stop sign in Chester and gets pulled over by a police officer. Cop: “License and registration, please.” Driver: “What for?” Cop: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” Driver: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.” Cop: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.” Driver: “What’s the difference?” Cop: “The difference is, you must come to a comple...