While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around and return to t...
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to look at his car. The mechanic shouted to the waiting cardiologist, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?” A bit surprised, the cardiologist walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on...
Two elderly builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two begin to speculate about what the man does for a living. “I’ll bet he’s an accountant,” said the first builder. “Looks more like a stockbroker to me,” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first build...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started…
One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, ”God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa.” The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, ”Why did you say the last part?” The daughter replies, ”Because I needed to.” The next day, grandpa dies. The fathe...
Two happily married 60 year olds were on holiday when they came across a magic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a genie came out. The genie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for. He said to the genie, "I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me....
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first hunter said, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.” The second hunter said, “I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter said, “Hey,...
A man had tickets to the Grand-Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says, “the seat is vacant.” “This is incredible!” the other man says. “Who in their right mind would leave a seat like this for the Grand-Final?” The man replies, “Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the firs...
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at h...
Hitler goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the German diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100." The German diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return and tell him they want Hitler shipped home. The undertaker is pu...
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on hi...
The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village...