Two lady darts teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rode on the top level. Downstairs, the brunette team was partying and having a great time. After a while, one of them realised she couldn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs. So she went up to check o...
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and noticed a man with his feet propped up on a table. He was wearing the biggest boots she had ever seen. She asked him, “Is it true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed?” The man grinned and replied, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?” The old woman thought about it. Figuring she might never get an offer like...
A drunk was floundering down an alley carrying a box with holes in the sides. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?” “A mongoose,” the drunk replied. “What for?” “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk, I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose—for protection.” The friend shook his head and said, “You idiot! Those snakes are imaginary.”...
A mother camel and her baby were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?” The mother replied, “Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes help us stay on top of the soft sand.” A few minutes later, the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?” “They keep the sand out of our eyes during trips through the desert,” the mother said. Then the...
Moishe the carpenter was returning home with his week’s wages when he was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street. “Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: shoot a bullet through my hat, otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.” The robber obliged. He tossed Moishe’s hat into the air and fired a bullet straight through it. “Let’s make it look like I ran into a gang of robbers,” Moishe continue...
Two fishermen were out on a lake when one of them accidentally dropped his wallet overboard. Before the man could grab it, a carp came along and batted the wallet up into the air. Before it hit the water, another carp a few feet away jumped out and smacked the wallet toward a third carp. The fish kept batting the wallet back and forth, turning it into a game. The second fisherman stared for a moment, then turned to h...
The husband comes home worried because he has a scratch on his chest, clearly caused by a fingernail from his mistress. He opens the door, sees the cat asleep on the couch, and gives it a tremendous kick. The cat lets out a loud “MEOW!” and runs out the door. A little later, the wife comes into the living room and asks what happened. The husband angrily replies, “This cat is crazy! I was just walking in and, out of n...
The census taker was driving out in the boondocks of Arkansas on assignment when he pulled up in front of a small farm. He approached an old farmer rocking in his chair on the porch. The farmer squinted at him and asked, “What are ye sellin’, sonny?” The census taker replied, “I’m not selling anything. I’m here to ask you some questions for the census.” “The what?” the farmer asked. “The census. We’re trying to find...
A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When he checked his rear-view mirror, he noticed a small object, followed by a trail of dust, closing fast. Curious, he slowed down to get a better look. As the object came into view, it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched in amazement, the bird whizzed past him. He checked his speed. “Thirty-five miles...
THE CONFESSION “Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I’m telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that’s...
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon an old gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the old gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The old man replied, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes...
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday, the preacher decided to do something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When they sat down,...