Little Johnny was fast asleep in class while the lesson was going on. The teacher noticed and asked angrily, “Why are you sleeping while I’m teaching? You’re not listening!” Little Johnny replied, “Madam, your voice was so sweet, that’s why I fell asleep.” The teacher snapped back, “Then why aren’t the others sleeping?” “Because they are not listening,” Johnny answered. The teacher frowned and said, “Alright then. If...
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and suddenly found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo,” said Peter. “Over there are the tennis courts, the swimming pool, and two golf courses.” “If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” After Saint Peter walked off, the old man leaned toward his wife and hissed, “Heck,...
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers. They were all veterans of war, and soon they began talking about their experiences on the battlefield. One old soldier bragged, “I once single-handedly slew seven enemy soldiers.” Another proudly described how he had “held an entire enemy battalion at bay.” When they finished, they looked condescendingly at Rama. “I don’t suppose...
A woman walked into the city Centrelink office, trailed by fifteen children. The social worker exclaimed, “WOW! Are they all yours?” “Yeah, they’re all mine,” the exhausted mother sighed, having heard that question far too many times. She called out, “Sit down, Terry!” All fifteen children rushed to find seats. The social worker blinked and said, “Well then, I’ll need all of your children’s names.” “This one’s my old...
A young man went into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist said, “They come in packs of 3, 9, or 12. Which would you like?” The young man replied, “Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I think tonight is the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then going out, and I’ve got a feeling I’m going to get lucky. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so I’d better take...
John and his girlfriend Mary decided to become bank robbers. Mary did the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks, while John waited outside as the getaway driver. They were successful at first, pulling off a string of heists that made headlines and turned them into folk heroes. Eventually, their luck ran out and they were caught. At trial, the judge sentenced Mary to ten years in prison, while John received only...
This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and watched as bulls were being auctioned off. The auctioneer announced the first bull, “A fine specimen—this bull reproduced 57 times last year.” The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That’s more than once a week!” Then the second bull was introduced: “Another fine specimen—this one reproduced 120 times last year.” A...
A couple rushed into the hospital because the wife was going into labor. As they hurried down the hall, a doctor stopped them and said, “I’ve invented a machine that can split the pain of childbirth between the mother and the father.” They agreed and were taken into a room where they were hooked up to the machine. The doctor started it at 20% transferred to the father. The wife said, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The...
The hitting coach for the Cubs entered the manager’s office. “Skipper,” he said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the good news?” the manager asked. “You know that new pitching machine we bought to help the guys with batting practice? We got it installed, and the players started using it today.” “Okay,” said the manager, “what’s the bad news?” “It just beat us 5–1.”
A man walked in through the front door of a bar. He was obviously drunk. He staggered up to the bar, sat on a stool, let out a belch, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely said, “It looks like you’ve already had plenty. I can’t serve you any more, but I can call you a cab.” The drunk looked surprised, then scoffed, grumbled, climbed off the stool, and staggered out the front door. A few minutes...
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. Her 9-year-old son came home unexpectedly, saw them, and hid in the bedroom closet to watch. Soon after, the woman’s husband also came home. She quickly shoved her lover into the closet, not realizing the little boy was already inside. The boy whispered, “Dark in here.” The man replied, “Yes, it is.” The boy said, “I have a baseball.” “That’s...
The richest man in the world decided he wanted to be blessed by the Pope at the Vatican. So he traveled to Rome, put on his finest suit, and went to the Vatican to watch the morning papal procession. The Pope moved through the crowd, and the man was close enough to reach out his hand. But the Pope walked right past him and stopped in front of a dirty, ragged beggar a few feet away. The Pope took the beggar’s hand, le...