Kelly and Patrick went for a motorcycle ride on a brisk autumn day. After a while, Kelly, who was sitting behind Patrick, began shouting, “Patrick… the wind is cuttin’ me chest out!” “Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That’ll block the wind.” Kelly followed the advice, turned his jacket around, climbed back on, and off they went again. After some ti...
A pastor, who could politely be described as “humor impaired,” attended a conference designed to encourage and better equip pastors for ministry. Among the speakers was a well-known, dynamic preacher. He boldly stepped up to the pulpit, grabbed the crowd’s attention, and said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!” The crowd gasped. Then he continued, “And that woman was my...
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. She replied, “Oh no—what would I tell my Sunday school class?” Later, he offered her a cigarette. Again she said, “Oh no—what would I tell my Sunday school class?” On the drive home, he passed a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked, “Want to stop in there?” “Okay,” she replied. Shocked, he asked, “What will you tell your Sun...
Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, drinking. One turned to the other and said, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds are so strong they’ll carry you around the building and right back in through a window.” The bartender overheard this and just shook his head while wiping down the bar. The...
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, a helicopter suddenly lost power and went down. Fortunately, it made a safe landing in a lake. As everyone struggled to get out, one man ripped off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and yanked open the exit door. The pilot shouted, “Don’t jump! This thing is supposed to float!” As the man leapt into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah—and it’s supposed...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for many years. At the back of the farm was a large pond, perfectly shaped for swimming. He had fixed the area up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and apple and peach trees. One evening, the old farmer decided to walk down to the pond to check on things, since he hadn’t been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to collect some fruit on the wa...
A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at him and said, “Sorry, you’re not what we’re looking for.” “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man. The lumberjack shrugged and said...
A guy saw a sign in front of a house that read, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rang the bell, and the owner said the dog was in the backyard. The guy went back and saw a black mutt sitting there. “You talk?” he asked. “Yep,” the dog replied. “So what’s your story?” The dog looked up and said, “Well, I discovered my gift at a young age and wanted to help the government. I told the CIA, and soon I was flying all over the w...
A traveling salesman went to a farmhouse. The farmer said, “I can put you up for one night, but you’ll have to stay in the barn.” So the salesman spent the night there. The next morning the farmer came in and asked, “Were you comfortable?” The salesman replied, “I had a great time. I talked to all the animals.” The farmer frowned. “You talked to the animals?” “Yep,” said the salesman. “I spoke to the chickens. They s...
A circus owner ran an ad looking for a new lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a handsome young man in his mid-twenties. The other was a stunning blonde about the same age. The circus owner said, “I won’t sugarcoat it. This lion is ferocious. He ate my last tamer, so you’d better be good. Here’s your equipment: a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try first?” The young woman said, “I’ll go first.”...
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she needed a thick stack of tax forms. The clerk asked, “Why so many?” “My son is stationed overseas,” she replied. “He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.” The clerk said, “You shouldn’t have to do this. It’s the base commander’s job to make sure his troops have access to the forms they need.” The woman smiled and...
I had been doing tech support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when a customer called with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She told me she could not print yellow. All the other colors printed just fine, which completely baffled me, because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For example, green is made from cyan and yellow—yet green printed perfectly. Every color of the rainbow...