A big-city lawyer is representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull has gone missing from the section through which the railroad passes. The rancher claims that the bull must have been hit by the train and wants to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case is scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher...
A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amo...
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." The bartender asked, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon-ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What...
A blonde walks into a police station looking for a job. An officer decides to test her with a few questions. Officer: “What’s two plus two?” Blonde: “Ummm… four!” Officer: “What’s the square root of one hundred?” Blonde: “Ummm… ten!” Officer: “Good. Now tell me… who killed Abraham Lincoln?” Blonde: “Ummm… I don’t know.” Officer: “Go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.” The blonde goes home and excitedly call...
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Man: “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender thinks for a moment and agrees. The man pulls a tiny rat from one pocket and a tiny piano from another. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues. After finishing his drink, the man asks again: Man: “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free d...
Three ministers are discussing how they handle the church collection. First Minister: “I draw a circle on the floor and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle goes to the church; whatever lands outside goes to me.” Second Minister: “That’s close to my system. I draw a line on the floor and toss the money in the air. Everything on one side goes to the church; everything on the other side goes to m...
A preacher is finishing a fiery sermon about the dangers of alcohol. With great emotion, he raises his voice. Preacher: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” With even more emphasis, he continues. Preacher: “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” Finally, pounding the pulpit, he declares: Preacher: “And if I had all the whiskey in the...
An elderly couple is settling into bed when the old man realizes he left the lights on in the greenhouse out back. Suddenly, they hear voices. Three men have broken into the greenhouse. Frightened, they call the police. Dispatcher: “We’ll send an officer as soon as one becomes available. All units are currently busy.” A few minutes later, the old man calls dispatch again. Old Man: “Don’t worry about sending anyone. I...
After giving up three runs in the top of the first inning, the manager runs out of the dugout to talk to his rookie pitcher. Manager: “Son, I think I’ve figured out what your problem is. You lose control at the exact same point in every game.” Rookie: “When’s that, coach?” Manager: “Right after the National Anthem.”
An old man visits the college he attended in his youth. He knocks on the door of room number three in the hostel. Old Man: “May I come in? I lived in this very room forty years ago when I studied here.” A young man opens the door and lets him inside. The old man looks around, smiling with nostalgia. Old Man: “The same old room, the same wooden table, the same ventilator, the same window facing the garden, and even th...
A woman is walking down the street to work when she notices a parrot sitting on a perch outside a pet store. Parrot: “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Furious, the woman storms past and goes to work. On her way home, she passes the same store again. Parrot: “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Now completely outraged, the next day she walks by once more. Parrot: “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The woman storms into the s...
A few minutes before church services begin, the congregation is sitting in their pews, quietly talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone screams and runs for the exits, trampling each other in panic. Soon, the church is completely empty—except for one elderly man sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man. Satan: “Do you know who I am?” Old Man: “Yep, sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t...