Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket. They notice the three engineers buying only one ticket. Accountant: “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” Engineer: “Watch and you’ll see.” On the train, the accountants take their seats. The engineers cram into a restroom and close the door. When the conductor co...
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. Reporter: “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to a long life.” The three old men agreed, and the reporter asked the first man his secret. First Man: “I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco, and I’ve been married to the same woman for fifty years.” Reporter: “That’s really remarkable! And how ol...
Tillie and Millie, two old girlfriends, met for lunch. Tillie: “I married a wealthy clothing manufacturer, and he bought me a yacht for my birthday.” Millie: “Astounding!” Tillie: “I have charge accounts in all the department stores.” Millie: “Astounding!” Tillie: “I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds, and my husband bought me a twenty-five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary.” Millie: “Astounding!”...
The National Poetry Contest came down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a single word and two minutes to study it and write a poem. The word was Timbuktu. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said: “Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination — Timbuktu.” The crowd went wil...
For a couple of years, I blamed being tired on poor iron levels, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other health problems. Now I finally know the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 349,035,494. About 125,000,000 are retired. That leaves 224,035,494 to do the work. There are roughly 90,000,000 people in school, which leaves 134,035,494 to do the work. Of those, about 3...
A guy runs into a childhood friend and asks what he’s doing these days. Guy: “What are you doing for yourself these days?” Friend: “I’m a fireman.” Guy: “Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.” The friend nods like a professional and offers advice. Friend: “If you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house that goes down to the basement. The hardest thing for a fireman is jumping off i...
A guy rolls through a stop sign in Chester and gets pulled over by a police officer. Cop: “License and registration, please.” Driver: “What for?” Cop: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” Driver: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.” Cop: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.” Driver: “What’s the difference?” Cop: “The difference is, you must come to a comple...
A blonde is driving her Mini down the highway when she notices another blonde in a boat out in the middle of a cornfield. The blonde in the boat is rowing like she’s on open water. The blonde in the car gets frustrated, pulls over, and steps out to confront her. “HEY YOU IN THE BOAT! I’M TALKING TO YOU!” The blonde in the boat turns, waves, and continues rowing. “IT’S BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US A BAD NAME, AND I’D...
Tom and Jack, two government maintenance workers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Tom, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman said, “Hand me that wrench from your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts, laid the pole down, took a tape measure, and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” then walked...
Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting. After landing, the pilot says, “Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.” The hunters return with two bears. “I told you ONE bear!” the pilot says. The hunters explain that the previous year, for an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had allowed them to take two bears. After a long argument about infl...
Two law partners, Ed and Joe, are driving through the country one evening during a vacation when their car breaks down near a farmhouse. They knock on the door, and an attractive lady dressed in black opens it. “Can I help you?” she asks. Ed says, “Our car broke down, it’s getting late, and we were wondering if you could put us up for the night?” The lady shakes her head. “I don’t think so. I’m recently a widow, and...
Two men were marooned on an island. One man paced back and forth, worried and scared, while the other man sat back and was sunning himself. The first man said to the second man, “Aren’t you afraid we are about to die?” “No,” said the second man. “You see, I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church every week. My pastor will find me.”